How to have "The Talk"

Even if it is with yourself.

Not everyone at 40+ HQ is embracing a healthy lifestyle.

We were part of a round-table discussion recently with health and fitness colleagues in the Google Plus Fitness and Nutrition Community. Personal trainer +Stephen Hoyles  observed: if you had a friend that was sick, you'd offer up all kinds of advice, from home remedies to seeking medical treatment. How come we don't approach weight the same way?

The answer is simple: it's complicated. First of all, the current mindset is such that the base assumption about someone with a weight issue is they are either lazy, habitually overeats, or both. The idea that someone might be metabolically sick doesn't normally come to mind. Second, body image and food habits are deeply personal territory. They are wrapped up in a lifetime of programming and coping mechanisms. It's complicated.

The fact of the matter is, sometimes, we just have to get out of our own way.

Fixing your assumptions

If you're going to reach out to somebody important to you about their weight and health, you owe it to yourself (and them) to get your facts straight. This will help you come from a place that is helpful and supportive, rather than condemning poor choices.

Most weight issues are not rooted in gross overeating. The majority of the current obesity issue in America and other western nations is due to the poor quality of food consumed. Highly processed "convenience" food products are designed based on cost and longevity. They rely heavily on highly refined ingredients that will last on a shelf and not spoil. These ingredients are of minimal nutritional value and many are actually designed to build cravings rather than satisfy.

Obesity is often an outcome of internal health problems, rather than the root cause. Our metabolism, the energy regulation machine, is managed by hormone secretions. Some, like adrenaline and testosterone, signal our body to release energy. Others, principally insulin, signal the body to conserve energy and store it as fat. Chronically elevated insulin levels, even at moderate caloric intake, will lead to weight gain.

The conditions which lead to obesity worsen as we get heavier. This is a vicious cycle, and weight gain is only an early link in the chain. As these conditions continue, we are at major risk for diabetes, heart disease, gout, Alzheimer's, arthritis, and possibly even more likely to get certain cancers. Fixing the problems that led to the weight gain (and therefore losing weight too) is the ONLY way to break the cycle.

Breaking the ice

Choosing the right moment to step into a conversation about weight loss is tough. At the end of the day, there probably isn't a right time. Which should be a relief, since that means there isn't really a wrong time either. Start by expressing how much you care about the person and how much you want to see them happy and healthy. With that, jump in. There's no point in beating around the bush. You're more likely to offend someone if you make them play guessing games.

Appeal to their needs and desires

If there was ever an opportunity to have 'the talk', it is at the moment when your loved one is expressing desire (or frustration) about something they want. We had family that missed our wedding because they simply aren't healthy enough to travel. If you're not so fortunate to have such an easy opening, bring it up yourself. If you know they have a "bucket list", use it to point out how the experience would be better (or possible at all) if they were healthier and stronger. If you don't have such an experience handy, ask! Think about something like this:

"So tell me, what would you do if you had your perfect body? Climb a mountain? Wear a fashion you never thought you could pull off?" We ALL have body image issues and things we feel like we are just too weak, old, or self-conscious to try.

If at first you don't suceed...

I said it was complicated, didn't I? The odds are pretty good that you're not going to hit a home run on your first at bat. You're going to have to (gently) let them know that you're not going away. Because you love them. Because they are worth it. Because they deserve to be healthy. Kill them with kindness.

You're on the hook - don't forget it!

If you're successful in motivating your loved one to make a change, you have become an official wing man in their journey. Do not take that responsibility lightly. Here's a checklist (I like checklists) of things you can do to support their transformation:

• Lead by example. Don't be "that friend" that brings cake and cookies to the lunch table while they are eating healthy. Find recipes and share them. Cook healthy meals when they visit; bring healthy dishes when you visit.


• Be supportive, but not an enabler. If they are discouraged or having a difficult time with the changes they're making, be a listening ear and be patient with them. But DON'T let them off the hook for giving up on their nutrition or training.


• Recognize and validate small victories. Make a point of noticing progress - any progress - in their journey. Go to the point of complimenting the food they have prepared.


• Continue the conversation. Be proactive and ask how things are going.


• And, heaven forbid, become a training partner.

So - yes - it's complicated. And you're involved from the moment you speak up. But the person on the receiving end of this message (especially if it is yourself) is worth it. You're worth it. In the end, the consequences of being "politely silent" are something you will both regret later on.